This week i’ve picked up a lovely cold and its knocked me for six. I don’t do ill, but usually i can struggle on and put up with it. However this one has left me feeling knackered! I have a horrible habit when i’m tired of over thinking everything, worrying unduly, stressing, basically all the negative facates of my character come out swinging and looking to take control.
Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, i’d suck it up and get through the working day, then go home and have a rest. However at the moment it feels like I cannot do that with so much left to do, I need to suck it up and crack on.
So much is riding on the next few months. The bike ride is shaping up nicely, the money is coming in and i should hit my target if i keep on pushing on, and get the great support i’ve already got. However the issue is the fitness side and the mental toughness of the challenge. Sure i’ve lost a lot of weight and my fitness is probably the best its been. But with only two months to go, is it enough? I worry that i am not going to have the fitness to get through the continuous riding, i know I can do a day, but its the getting up the next day and back out on the bike the next day. Thats where the mental aspect comes in, i’m not just battling the roads, the weather and the terrain, i’m fighting myself, when I don’t want to get out of bed, when I don’t want to go on, i need to have the mental strength to dig deep and fight through it all. I realise I paint this as if i’m doing something really tough, like the tour de France and I do realise I am not. However for me, this is probably the toughest physical challenge I will ever do. So I need to focus and get the training right.
Then there is the rugby element. And there is so much to do here, I don’t think I realised just what I was taking on. I feel one minute like I can see the big picture and things are on course then I stare at it and cannot see the wood through the trees. The event really has captured peoples imagination and the support is amazing, i need to keep going and not let people down. I don’t think I will, I want this event to be a success, so all involved can look back and be proud of what we have accomplished. It just means I need to keep going and hope that the support I’ve been promised is still offered.
In terms of the event itself i worry again if I am fit enough, its 24 hours of Rugby. With short breaks, its going to push my body to the limit. Am I fit enough to do this, am i being fair to be the others by taking part, if i risk injury? I’ll have only finished the bike ride a week previously, will I have enough recovery time?
Now these questions normally I can brush off confidently and know I will perserve, I’ve come so far already I will not be stopped. Where it all comes apart is when I’m tired and the doubt attacks.
And it attacks in horrible ways, it always comes in the same dream. In the dream, i’m just coming up to John O’Groats, at the finish line is dad waiting for me, cheering me on, but then the road turns into a big hill and it never ends. I try with all my might to get to the line and to dad, but it is no use i keep falling off, to exhausted i give up, Dad looks at me in shame and walks off. Then I wake up.
I hate that dream, i know that Dad if he were here, would already be proud of me, but that dream eats away at me. A few months ago it would have beaten me but not anymore.
Now I just get my head down and focus, when I have that dream it reminds me how important it is to keep going, to prepare. I will not stop planning and throwing everything at these events. They will succedd.
And the dream is flawed as it assumes that I am alone in all of this. I am not. My family and friends have been amazing in supporting me they keep me going. Em is nothing less than 100% enthusastic about the event, and makes sure i don’t stop, that I train that I work hard, that I am ready.
And the support, the money coming in and the comments I recieve make me so proud of what i’ve done, and i’ve not even started yet so I have to finish.
So I guess I’ve answer my own question about the mental strength, if I maintain the attitude about nothing can stop me. I will get to that fitness line.