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I can’t believe you just said that…

January 2, 2012

Now I’m not a person who gets angry easily. Seriously, I know some people who know me may roll their eyes at that statement and think ‘yeah right’ But in truth I enjoy playing the grumpy old man, ranting away its where my humour comes from. But it really does take a couple of things to really push me over the edge to go all, Hulk Smash on the world. In fact three things:

1) Justin Beiber

2) People who use there hands to make inverted commas on points when talking. (Dr Evil is excluded from this.)

But the one that really does get me going that has me turn red and want to say to people ‘your a fucking idiot.’ Is when people say something like ‘The world would be better off without me.” “No one would miss me.” “No one loves me, whats the point.”

Yes, I’m talking about people who make light of killing themselves. And here I have to hold my hand up and say in the past when I’ve felt sorry for myself, I’ve said it in jest. But the more time goes by the more I realise how much I hate it. And here’s why.

My Dad killed himself when I was 11. I know I’ve pointed that out before, but I have to make it clear. I’ve experienced suicide. I was one of the people left behind. When my dad killed himself, me, my brother and my mum were changed forever. Our lives were changed, moved to a different path. I feel i’m in a good place now, but for years it was a dark horrible place to be, our dad was gone, in his place a horrible void. Gone was the loving dad, who played cricket, brought me toys, made me laugh, gave me life lessons. In his place was pain, horrible dark pain, and fear that took years to over come.

And thats what people who kill themselves don’t realise; its one of the most selfish things you can do. Its not a rational decision, if you thought it through you wouldn’t do it. I know my dad has his reasons, it kills me everyday though that he didn’t feel he could tell us. Thats another thing you carry with you, as someone who has lost a person to suicide; guilt. Guilt at not knowing, guilt at not living your life to the full to remember them. guilt for being angry at them. Sometimes just guilt. It fucking sucks.

“No one would miss me” Really? You think your family, who love you regardless of what you do are better off without a father who always put his children first. Who took them out, taught them to ride bikes, handed down advice was just there when needed. I’m lucky I can talk to my mum, to Em, to Wills, to my stepdad, to my friends. But sometimes I just want to talk to my dad. And I can. But he never answers. So how is the world better off?

So thats why it angers me. If you feel down you CAN get help, your family for starters. No one likes to see friends and family down, but you have to be brave, let them know how you feel get help. I’ve had moments in life when it sucks, when i’m staring at a long dark tunnel, but with friends and family i’ve got to the light a lot quicker.

So please to people who think stuff like the above, don’t say it, or think it, you have no idea the pain it can cause. You would be missed and whatever the problems you can get through it, just ask for help. No problem is worth thinking that.

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One Comment
  1. nel moseley permalink

    Well said Russ. It is awful to be left behind without knowing the reasons why, the anger at not being allowed the chance to help or make a difference. Lucky I had you, Stuart, my mum, brother and sister who helped us through those awful days, but it’s always there in the background of your mind. ‘Why didn’t you give me a chance to help you and why was death preferable to talking to me’

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