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The fear

November 12, 2011

I’ve been lying to you on occassions dear reader. See sometimes I’m a bit of a fraud. I make out on here sometimes how great all this preparation is  going  and how I’m ready to take on the world. I make out that nothing is going to hold me back and like a leaf on the wind I’ll sore into the sky. However that isn’t always the case.

See the truth is i fucked up a while back and lost my job. Things didn’t go as well as they’d like and i walked away. I couldn’t live up to the stress of the position and like a coward and didn’t put my whole into it and it went tits up. So i’m now busy job hunting and honestly it scares the shit out of me. I hate the unknown. I’m a person who hates not having a routine and the fear of a lack of income has me pulling my hair out. But thats not the lie or what i feel truly bad for.

I don’t want pity for being out of work, it happened, its my job to put it right. And I will. Its might not happen as quick as i’d like, but i see this as an opportunity, it gives me a chance to go forward and set my mind to being something  different. I’d not been happy in my line of work for a while, I was kidding myself otherwise. This is a chance to fix that area of my life, and honestly don’t feel sorry for me as I love everything else going on in my life right now.

No the bit I lied about is this, as close as I make out I am to my dad and how much I miss him, I hate seeing my dad’s grave. I’ve not been since my gran died a few years ago. Before that I visited when my nan died. I always go when I need comfort and guidance, I can’t bring myself to go just for the hell of it.

So the relevance of the above, is it was time. it was time to go and tell my dad what happened. To admit i’d failed and that I was scared. He’s not really there I know but i needed to go and say ‘Dad I’m sorry I fucked up, I let you down, as much as I try to make you proud I just let you down now.’

So thats what I did. Now my dads grave doesn’t have a tombstone (i’d love to get the money to do this, ONE DAY i will.) so i’m ashamed to say it took me a bit of time to find it. But i did and then what followed is what always happens when i get there, I broke down in tears. I told him how much I missed him, how i wished so much he was here when I needed him, how angry I was that he wasn’t there for me and the family, how I longed for him to come and watch me play rugby and through it all how much I loved him. And i felt cleansed, in truth i’m never facing my dad when I go there.

Dad is not at that grave to me. When I need my dad or his support I go to Robinswood hill, where i spent years with him walking the dog. Or I go to Kingsholm. The ‘holm is special to many people but its where i bonded with my dad, it was my time with him and forged a love of a game I have to this day. Thats where I feel closest to dad, cause I know hes at his usual spot wathcing the game.

So really when I go to the grave, i’m going to face myself. The same and worry of this all has been mine. I know dad would be angry to start with but he’d support me and understand. Its me that won’t forgive myself and until I do that I won’t go on.

So there readers is my confession, this blog sometimes makes me amazing, holier than now, unstoppable etc. But i’m not, i fuck up a lot! I doubt myself etc. So sorry to decive you, i won’t anymore, but let me assure you i beat myself up about this more than anyone.

Later in the day, we played a game of rugby. And the boys played their hearts out. Yet we still lost, with the last kick of the game. I was gutted but at the sametime I had to smile. Thats the old man’s sense of humour. I had it in my head that now i’d faced myself it would be easy and we’d win. So he was reminding me its far from it and still have a long way to go! but thats ok there’ll be plenty of rugby games. And best of all i now know he’s watching…..

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