There are times when I wonder if I’m in over my head, today is one of those days.
I often feel like a fraud, that one day I’m going to get found out and all of this will come crashing to an end.
This is evident in a number of ways:
1) At work. I feel like I’m treading water, I’m loving the job but I do sometimes wonder if I’m in over my head and if I really have what it takes to manage a team. I get stressed out by the job so much and can’t help but feel I’m letting my team down.
2) My fitness – yes I’ve lost a lot of weight but is it enough? Is my fitness up to an almost 1,000 mile bike ride? I’m in bits for days after a game of rugby, with aches, pains etc, how will I hold out on a 12 day endurance bike ride? Have I set my sights too high?
3) Bike knowledge – I often get asked questions about my bike and I don’t have a clue about what people are asking me! Its a bike and I peddle it, I don’t know how to do much more than repair a puncture. I really should know more about my bike.
4) Fundraising – Have I got too much to raise? 3 grand in the current climate is a lot of money. Am I boring people by going on about my fundraising and bike ride? Probably.
5) Friends – someone said I thought I was better than them as I was doing stuff for charity. Do I think that? No but its knocked my confidence. Are my friends fed up of me and my plans? Am I expecting too much of them? Am I putting friendships at risk due to some stupid longing to make my dad proud?
6) Em – Are my plans affecting are relationship? Am I neglecting her? Do I have my priorities in order? Will she miss me? Could she do better? Am I good enough? Will she be happy living with me?
7) Rugby – am I any good at it? Do I do enough? Should I be more aggressive? Can I scrummage?
8) The ride – have I got what it takes? Will I have the toughness to get through the hard days. Will I have what it takes to get out of bed and peddle when its a crap day.
9) Dad – why did he do it? Can I make him proud? Am I leaving him a legacy? Why can’t I forget that day. Why can’t I put all this behind me. Why can’t something else define me.
This is the stuff that floats around my head. A good friend and someone I respect immensely, Bob Rumble refers to them as demons, gremlins. Its the stuff trying to hold you back.
I don’t know how true any of the above is but lately it makes me doubt myself more. I don’t know why that is, but its something I need to start overcoming.
I’m lucky in that I have great support in Mum, Em, degs, stu and my friends. But I need to win this on my own.
We all have our own gremlins, mine are pretty minor, so I’m not asking for pity here. Doing this ride is changing me and not just physically. I feel mentally stronger, more determined and more ambitious.
So the self pity is done. The questioning will go on, but gremlins ask yourself this; are you strong enough to stop me?